How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
