Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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