a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Boobs are out for the taking
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
