Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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