Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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