so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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