I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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