Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
