This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
