how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
