toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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