its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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