The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
