We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
