I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so explain again why im purple
no
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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