Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
