Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
