I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
