I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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