mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
it was like eating out sand paper
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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