you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
