honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
