I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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