nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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