If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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