Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
