whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
