I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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