Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
