So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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