Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
