around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
