Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
