I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Farmville is her only friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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