How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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