Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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