1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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