So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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