I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
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I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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