Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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