So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
