i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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