Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
