you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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