just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
