I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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