I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
