Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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