You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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