My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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