omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
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God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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