Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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