Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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