I just pynch a tree in the face
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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