Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
